Context
Mrs. Bush Defends Her Son
My Dearest Americans, I have
maintained a respectful silence about George Junior for a long time,
but as his mother, I must speak up in view of the onslaught of
criticism and name-calling that has gone on since he began his campaign
to bring American-style freedom to the Iraqi people. Senior and I have
compiled a short list of some of the names hurled at Junior, names that
would make any mother cringe in horror: imbecile, idiot, Adolf, Stalin,
the American Osama, Mr. and Mrs. Bush’s Mistake, mass murderer, child
killer, and worst of all, Texan. You have to understand that
Junior has not had an easy life. In a family where none of the boys
were too bright, George was called "slow" by all of us. Not stupid,
just slow. Well, maybe stupid as well, but very slow. At an early age
he built up all of these resentments and a lot of anger. We were
reluctant to leave him home alone for fear that he’d burn down the damn
house. He always wanted to be destroying things. He was funny that way.
I mean, we were all kind of scared of him. His favorite movie was Star
Wars, and that’s when he got it in his head that there were evil
empires. He thought it was a documentary. That seemed kind of funny at
the time, because he used to take turns deciding which of us in the
family was part of the axis of evil. Then he’d make plans for
destroying us because we had weapons of mass destruction (you can tell
that he has always had a one-track mind). And now you can see what all
this has led to. Sometimes I think he may have had brain
problems as a result of how his brothers would play with him. When they
had nothing else to do, they played a game called "George’s Head." The
point of the game was to bang his head against the wall. That was it.
Just to bang his head. And it was about then that he got the stupid
smirk going on his face. And that’s of course how he got his family
nickname of "Scrambled Eggs," because that’s what we thought his brains
must look like. Then by the age of twelve of course he started
drinking like there was no tomorrow and got into drugs. There was a
good reason he wouldn’t answer reports during the election about
whether he ever used drugs. And no wonder his daughters have their
drinking problems, seeing dad in a drunken stupor night after night. But
it was the anger that concerned us, and the fact that he thought he was
always right. You put together slowness with anger and arrogance, and
you got yourself a handful. He used to come home drunk as a fish and
start lecturing, waving that damn finger at us the way he waves it at
the entire country now. And the smirk he’d get on his dumb little face.
Senior did everything a father could to wipe off that smirk, but Senior
had his own problems. When you go from being head of the CIA to
President of the United States, you just know that people are waiting
in the bushes for you. They just see everything as a conspiracy. So
Senior was too occupied to do a decent job as a father for little
George. He kept him out of Vietnam and arranged some business deals for
him, but he really couldn’t be responsible for too much else. And
besides, he had to spend so much time trying to get George’s brothers,
Neil and Marvin, out of all that trouble with the savings-and-loan scam
they were running that cost Americans millions and millions of dollars.
You’d think the people of this country would have learned something
about the Bush family after that. Well, instead of rehashing a
whole lot of bad memories, let’s cut to the chase here. Senior and I
were flabbergasted when the Republicans picked him, and then scared out
of our wits when he became president, even though we know there were
some funny goings-on that election night. But what were we supposed to
do? Tell Americans that they were as stupid as Junior for electing him?
I mean, when you have a grown man running for president who doesn’t
know that Africa is a continent rather than a country, wouldn’t you
think that the American people would have had a clue about there not
being something right up there in his head? I guess what I am
trying to say is that Americans got what they voted for and what they
deserved. And I won’t even mention all of those nitwits who voted for
Ralph Nader. Those are the ones really responsible for getting George
into the White House. Well, Senior and I have a place up in
Canada that we will be moving to on a kind of permanent basis soon. We
really don’t want to be around here to face the music of this war that
George keeps telling Americans they have no business knowing about. He
scares us more now than when he was a kid. But then Americans are
scaring the hell out of us as well. The last I read, 67% of Americans
approve of what he’s doing as president! Senior and I laugh sometimes
and say that Americans have got to be dumb as cows. And speaking of
cows, have you noticed that Tom Ridge, who is supposed to be protecting
us all with that Homeland Security nonsense, looks like a cow that’s
just been hit between the eyes with a two-by-four? And of course Junior
has that evil man Rumsfeld egging him on all the time; back in Senior’s
day, we used to call him bipolar Donald, and he apparently never did
get on the right medication. So, take it easy on Junior and remember
that he has a mother somewhere up in a Canadian province who is sick to
her heart every time he’s called one of those names. And good luck to
you all down there, you’re really going to need it.* ——————————————
